Playing the Victim

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I was once set a meme on facebook that said

Some days it feels a little bit more like Hostage Negotiating with a band of drunken Bi-Polar Pirates than actual parenting

I laughed hard and agreed, liked the post that had been put on my wall and I walked away.

Later, that day I suddenly started to feel like a victim of parenting, yes, a victim …. Crazy, right?

It seems ridiculous typing this out.

Where was my normal parenting experience, why was I the one dealing with schools, doctors and other people’s judgement when it was clearly not my doing, I had in no shape or formed created this but here I was dealing with everything.

I wanted rainbows and sunny smiles but instead I got lies, stealing, punches, kicks, destruction and verbal abuse.

The crazy did not feel normal, and someone needed to take responsibility for the crazy in my life.

I would blame myself for their bad behavior, I would blame myself for their destruction of their own property and others property.

I would blame myself for their defiance of me and wonder why others couldn’t see it.

Then when they did behave badly at school or out in public I would also take on that responsibility.

I punished myself when I lost my temper, going nose to nose with a child screaming my lungs out, I told myself I was a bad mom that they would be better off without me. It scared me that I was capable of so much rage and anger.

I felt like I was the person who was putting everyone else’s mistakes right

I once verbally spoke out to a friend that I truly believed that in the small hours of the night they would get up and decide who was going to play bad child and who was going the play good child, that they purposely went out of their way to ruin a perfectly good day.

Sometimes you must break the cycle of self-criticism  , and it can take all sorts of situation to bring you to that point for me it was my oldest screaming at me that I was no better than her. It took me a few minutes to realize who her was but when the penny did drop I understood who he meant – Bio mom

That stopped me in my tracks, I didn’t know her really our only encounters where when I would either hand the kids of to her on a Friday or in some cases tell her the oldest didn’t want to go with her and I wouldn’t be making him, yes, I did that on many occasions, but that is a subject for another time.

So, who she was as a “mother” I had no idea, but what I did know was I didn’t want to be that person he saw her as.

My thinking had to change and it needed to change quick ……

I didn’t want to sit on the steps of the deck outside at night and cry

I wanted to stop hiding in the bathroom wishing the whole world would just be quiet

I defiantly wanted to stop moaning to my husband when he got home at night that HIS kids where monsters and he needed to deal with it.

And the shame needed to go away and the temper

Time to stop being the victim

I needed to look at them as children who were hurting, traumatized and feeling alone and I needed to see myself as the person who was going to love them through it all.

I couldn’t fix all their problems in a day but I could manage to make their day a little brighter just by realizing I wasn’t the victim here

I told myself repeatedly (until I believed it) this didn’t happen to me it happened to them, they were the ones hurting and I blaming myself, feeling sorry for myself and raging all over the place wasn’t helping … time to step up and be the adult.

Easier said than done, I know

The hardest bit is feeling like you are being the parent and she (bio mom) is getting to be the Disney mom.

Can you relate?

Maybe you can maybe just as a step mom with children who don’t display any problems. Maybe as a mom who is raising her birth children you can relate.

Or as a foster parent with a child with RAD or other attachment issues you can relate.

I think we all can relate … I’m not a special case, I’m just one case among many who has felt like a victim on this road of rising children in whatever shape of precious form they come in

We are not alone, there are others out there that feel like I do and how you do. It’s just not all of us say it, we don’t admit to it for the fear of being judged and shamed for not being the prefect parent.

And if you are by any chance the prefect parent could you please give the rest of us some advice on how you manage it all. I know I for one would love to hear from you.

So, to all the imperfect, amazingly flawed, beautifully inappropriate, angry stomping victims, who can confess to being out of control mother’s, I applauded you and salute you ….

You are my super hero’s

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Snubbery

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(Standing Alone)

 

Snubbery

It’s a cross between snobbery and snubbed

Trust me its real, I checked it out on Urban Dictionary 

It happens in communities whether they be online or face to face.

And there are times it can hurt like hell and other times you think Oh to hell with it.

I feel that as human we need to remember that not every situation is the same, we don’t all come from the same place and we don’t all walk the same path but yet our light at the end of the tunnel will shine just as brightly it’s just that we all get there a different way.

What your situation is won’t be mine, why would it I’m not the same as you I come from a place you may never have entered, and visa a versa.

Let me give a more detailed explanation to snubbery, a personal explanation.

Your child might be adopted or fostered, my child may be my step child.

Your child may have been traumatized by its birth parents, or their actions a situation that was out of their control, my child may be traumatized by one birth parent, an action, or a situation that was out of her control, now to what degree of trauma maybe different, but the degree of trauma is not the point here the point is they have all been traumatized.

Trauma is Trauma

So, when RAD is diagnosed and it comes in the form of my step children it doesn’t mean my case is any different to yours, it doesn’t mean I’m any less worried, stressed or going out of my mind then you.

Six years ago, I was snubbed by the RAD community online.

The experts say that the chances of RAD happening outside of the forest care or adoption system is very unlikely …. well that’s what they said six years ago, what they say now I have no idea (note to self “check this out”)

RAD can happen in the most accidental way

I once heard a story about a lady whose child had many health problems, long periods of hospitalization, and sometimes the parents could not always be with him 24 hours a day (they also had other children) so there were times when this child would feel very vulnerable and confused … long story short he developed RAD, he didn’t come from a broken home, he wasn’t abused but yet he was traumatized.

I guess my point is, whether it be right wrong or indifferent is …..

My case is no better or worse than any other parents case of raising children with RAD.

I needed and still do need a certain amount of support, advice and encouragement.

In those early days, I had no idea what I was doing, I didn’t know where to start and had no idea where to look.

I started to blog about my feelings back then, I then found through blogging an online community of parents (mostly woman) who were raising children with RAD, they were mainly … yep that’s right …kids who were fostered or adopted …. I hung around for a while read forum posts and reached out to a few mothers (on a positive note here I did learn a lot from those forum posts) …. if your offering advice then in my book you give it, you don’t shun the person and think to yourself or even say it out loud “oh there is no way that’s RAD they are not in the foster system.

Sadly, I didn’t feel welcome, was that my own insecurities …. maybe …. maybe not … it’s hard to say because the person I was back then I am not her today. Am I bitter, NO, sad, YES …. I have pretty much raised two children with RAD on my own, with my husband and a therapist.

It takes a village to raise children, and it takes two to raise children with special needs whatever form that may come in.

So today I want to say if you are raising children with RAD or any other special needs or just need a friend cause you are having a bad day, week, month, and you just feel you need to vent or ask advise (and remember I’m no expert)  Then hey you know what I am here for you ….. reach out, I promise there is no Snubbery here what’s so ever.

No one should feel alone in their time of need …. we were not designed to be islands.